Help! A Dieting Expert in Need of an Intervention

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I am a dieting expert. Really, I should be paid big bucks as a consultant for those trying to shed a few pounds. No, I am not a nutritionist. No, I am not a dietician. I have no degrees or credentials behind my name that certifies my expertise in the weight loss arena. However, I have lost thousands of pounds in my lifetime, and I have tried every marketed diet and gimmick out there, past and present. That kind of trial-and-error, hands-on experience has to count for something. Right? Let me just list a few diets I have tried so that I can awe you with my expertise:

  • Atkins Diet
  • Scarsdale Diet
  • 1000 Calorie a Day Diet
  • Suzanne Somer’s Diet
  • Low Fat Diet (20 grams of fat a day)
  • Paleo Diet
  • Weight Watchers Diet (at least 18 separate tries and programs)
  • Sugar Busters
  • South Beach Diet

This is a condensed list. I tried not to list some of the crazier diets I tried like the Grapefruit Diet or the Vegetable-Soup-for-Three-Days-Diet. I tried the Slim Fast Shake diet, but I was doomed from the outset because you don’t really chew on that diet, and I like to chew.

Recently, my acupuncturist convinced me to eat vegan three days a week. I said I could do that. I could eat a plant-based only diet three days a week. The only problem with that was dairy. Vegans don’t eat real butter. They don’t eat yogurt. They don’t eat eggs, and they don’t drink milk. Why? Because those are products of animals.  I had a hard time with butter and yogurt, especially yogurt because I take my medicine with yogurt in the evening.   Eventually, I found substitutions, like applesauce, and changed some patterns.

Oh yeah, I also was in the process of giving up sugar—evil, evil sugar. That was hard. I thought I would have to go to rehab or put myself in a coma just to get through the hump of craving this fine white powder. Day one I had resolve and kidded myself into thinking this wasn’t going to be so bad. On day two, I had the shakes and sweats. On day three, I asked, “Why is this substance legalized in the United States?” On day four, I was looking at pictures of ice cream sundaes on the Internet and was sobbing in my bed. Eventually, the sugar addiction got better.

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